You know you've been in China too long when...

You know you've been in China too long when...

(some of a facebook group, some of my own, all ones i agree with)

1) You walk backwards in a park, clapping your hands in front and behind you, listening to a transistor radio

2) You believe the following are medically beneficial / true
- walking backwards
- eating vegetables (soaked in oil)
- you can tell the sex of a pregnant woman's child by taking her pulse
- you shouldn't brush your teeth for 28 days after giving birth
- eating cloves of garlic with every meal

3) All white people look the same to you.

4) You call other foreigners 'laowai' (Chinese for foreigner).

4a) When you see another foreigner, you look them up and down notice their huge arse / yellow hair.

5) You think a 30 year old woman who wears Helly Kitty flip flops is cute.

6) It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th floor window.

7) You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times and jumping up and down will make the lift move faster / doors open quicker.

8) You push your way into a crowded bus/lift before letting other people off.

8a) It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift / bus before anyone can get off.

9) You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.

10) You think that 3 pounds for a pair of shorts is a rip-off.

11) You have no reservations about spitting sunflower seeds on the restaurant / bar floor.

12) You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut.

13) You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.

14) You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.

15) You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.

16) You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.

17) You look over other peoples shoulder to see what they are reading .

18) You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the pavement.

19) When car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour.

19a) When an 'incident' occurs on the street you gather round and stare gormlessly.

20) You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them.

21) You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules.

22) You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.

23) The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card.

24) You go to the local shop in pyjamas.

25) When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!”

26) You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?”

27) Firecrackers don't wake you up.

28) Forks feel funny.

29) You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.

30) Your handshake is weakening by the day.

31) You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.

32) You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.

33) You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you.

34) When you get on a plane you quickly run for your pre-assigned seat.

35) You can justify drinking 9 laopi [beer] instead of 6 qingpi because it's 1 kuai [ 8 pence] cheaper.

36) When you think it is normal to give money to the turtles in the gardens and not to the homeless.

37) You believe smoking in the gym improves your cardiovascular workout.

38) You want to corner any foreigners you see to practice your English.

39) When you consider tiling the outside of your house with bathroom tiles.

40) You talk incredibly loudly on the phone, particularly on a crowded bus and in local dialect.

41) You're in the market and notice how expensive everything is.

42) You remember to take your tissues with you to the restaurant to wipe the sweat from your forehead afterwards.

43) When you walk round your flat in socks and flip-flops and don't feel like an idiot.

44) Somebody you met 5 minutes ago, introduces you as their "best friend".

45) You make 'best friends' with someone, exchange phone / QQ numbers and never hear from your new best friend again.

46) When you think warm beer and hot water are refreshing and healthy.

47) You no longer get pissed off at hearing how 'shuai' [handsome] you are or how 'li hai' [great] you are.

48) When you notice an attractive girl in short denim shorts, small top and high heels eyeing you up, you accept it's purely because a) the weather is hot and b) you have a very hairy face and big nose.

49) You want to be different and so dye your hair light brown like everyone else.

50) The lorry that sprays water on the road and plays the 'Happy Birthday' tune like a ringtone is no longer annoying.

51) You stop saying please, thank you and sorry, and subsitute them with en, ur and huh.

52) When you can talk on the phone for 20 minutes and only say "en"

53) When you start thinking, "what car shall i buy? A black 1983 Volkswagen Santana".

54) When you start saying how 'mang' [busy] you are because somebody asked you to do something and you're going to have to stop chatting online at work for 10 minutes.

55) When you see a child having a whizz in the lift / on the street is no longer disgusting.

56) When you start thinking that kids trousers with a slit in the back for excrement omittance is a good idea.

57) You wear pink plastic flip-flops.

58) You call the clouds of pollution 'fog'.

59) You say 'Aye-yaaaaaa!' unnecessarily loudly whenever anyone says something disagreeable.

60) When a problem arises you say 'zenme ban' [what should we do?], quickly followed by 'mei banfa' [there's nothing that can be done], then go to the net bar to play counter strike and forget about it.

61) You refer to the computer game Counter Strike as CS.

62) You've learnt how to spin a pen on your finger like Chinese kids can.

63) You think reading comic books in a bar is cool.

64) You stopped checking your weather on the BBC website, because opening it every day has caused all your internet actions to be censored.

65) You're no longer surprised that when ordering a beer, first comes the glass, then the beer, then a short while after the beer opener.

66) You're no longer surprised when, after asking for said beer opener, the waiter looks at you with a 'Shit, you're clever, that's a good idea' look.

67) You're no longer surprised when ordering food, the dishes will come first, followed 45 later minutes by the rice.

68) You think people are handsome just because they are tall.

69) You start using the word 'handsome'.

70) You say 'How to spell', instead of 'How do you spell'.

71) You refer to things as 'ke ai' [lovely, cute, nice], particularly in the presence of other men.

72) You walk at a mind-numbingly slow speed and block the whole sidewalk despite being wafer thin.

73) When watching a film you laugh uproariously at the most inane thing and insist on pointing it out to your foreign friend, explaining exactly why it is amusing.

74) You need a break after your lunch break.

75) You can't use a mobile phone without something red hanging from it.

76) You start using the word 'oral' instead of 'spoken/speaking'.

77) When you realize you cant take a photo without raising your hand into a "V" sign and saying 'aubergine' in Chinese everytime.

78) When you think taking pictures of your friends on campus standing next to bins / lampposts / table tennis tables / gates constitutes fun.

79) Liquid or flaky poo is normal. Solid ones are looked upon with suspicion.

80) When the concept of punctuality has disappeared from your thought process.

81) You can automatically avoid stepping on those loose paving stones that spit up water when you step on it.

82) You think sleeping on a wooden bed sheet is comfortable and cooling.

83) You feel the uncontrollable urge to hurt something once you're asked what you think about 'DaShan' [an ugly Canadian whose head is 85% forehead and speaks perfect Chinese, a celebrity in China].

84) You're no longer surprised to see 22 year old male university students wearing David Beckham Tshirts.

85) You start to believe you actually could be the most handsome or beautiful foreigner known to man.

86) You can start to tell the difference between Koreans and Chinese.

87) You dont' even notice anymore when the lady going through your rubbish stops to answer her mobile phone.

88) You aren't suprised to walk into an office and find everyone either sleeping or eating.

89) You carry your phone in a case on your belt. You'd put it in your man-bag but that's full of cigarettes, plus the zip breaks easy on fake LV bags.

90) You think it's cool to book a table in a night club and sit and watch everyone else having a good time.

91) Putting ice into your beer with a teaspoon no longer makes you feel homosexual.

92) You're able to write characters on the table with your finger to explain your meaning.

93) You don't notice the people at 3 am watching the goings-on at the building site next to your apartment.

94) You think that the utter crap sold at tourist sites is good quality merchandise.

95) You've realised you can't run anymore.

96) All your light coloured shirts are stained.

The following are based on, but with personal amendments and additions from me, some guy on Facebook called Kirk Dougnalds. All genius observations.

93) You roll up parts of your clothing.

94) You think a chicken's foot is the best bit.

95) You enjoy a 'man stand' (standing with other men, doing nothing except spitting and smoking).

96) You wait (impatiently) for a 'xiaojie' to re-rack your balls on the pool table.

97) You state simple observational facts about yourself for conversation. Such as, 'wo hen lei' [I'm tired] or 'wo hen leng/re' [I'm cold/hot].

98) You prefer QQ [Chinese MSN]. Especially with the volume on.

99) You leave your apartment door wide open when u are home (particularly with the above).

100)You hate Japan vehemently.

101) You need glasses.

102) You start sitting 4 inches from the TV and still squint.

103) You think bars and clubs are places of evil.

104) You can't speak English very well.

105) You can speak the local dialect.

106) You say 'I know' to things you didn't know.

107) You say 'maybe' before stating a fact.

108) You start lying to avoid losing face.

109) A half pint of beer looks like a bucket.

110) You stop thinking about sex.

111) You think a man-made lake is very beautiful.

112) You think it's a good idea to wear high heels / jeans/ suit when climbing a mountain.

113) You think climbing 7kms of stone steps up a mountain in 35 degree heat is relaxing.

114) You open a window on the bus to avoid catching a cold, despite the fact it is freezing.

115) You start saying 'Bah bah' instead of 'bye'.

116) You think contact sports are very dangerous.

117) You feel embarrassed to split the bill.

118) You don't like quiet restaurants.

119) You interrupt peoples' conversations.

120) You think it's reasonable to yell out for a waiter's attention.

121) You don't allow your rucksack to touch the floor.

122) You insist on sitting on a book when sitting on something outside.

123) You get drunk on 1 pint of Western beer.

124) You continually say 'gan ma'.

125) You feel comfortable touching and being extremely close to people of the same sex.

126) You refer to your friends as siblings.

127) You roll up your t-shirt to reveal your fat stomach after a good meal.