1)
After coming back home from buying some dumplings this morning, I see XiaoMing (very strange flatmate) sitting on the sofa apparently watching the TV. Only it becomes immediately clear that he is 'watching' and listening to the walkman he has placed on top. The TV was broken, so he put his walkman on top and was listening to an English language cassette. So we're sitting there in silence, both listening to different ways to sum up a business meeting, watching a blank TV. I asked him how much of it he was understanding, he said 'not a word'. Excellent.
2)
I've been learning the script today for the TV programme I'm making next week for the local TV station. It's a one-off soap opera. I play a foreigner planning to get married to a local girl, and it charts the conflicts and passions aroused as my (Australian) culture clashes with that of her traditional Chinese parents. But in the end, I learn how to slurp my noodles and shout loudly in restaurants, so we get her parents' consent.
The director said to me there's only 2 or 3 speaking lines, and even if I could not speak any Chinese it wouldn't matter. Either he is stupid or lying, because I have 63 lines, which will be impossible to remember in Chinese. And better still, it's in the local language, not Mandarin. So it's a bit like learning Italian for 5 months and then being expected to speak Latin. However, I expect this will be my big break into North West China acting circles, and no doubt will, in a few years, be appearing on Parkinson, retelling humorous vignettes about my early acting career.
3)
This afternoon the blue sky appeared, so I went for a wonder round the city, and came across 'The Revolutionary Park' somewhere in the middle of Xi'an. The first thing you notice when going in to most Chinese parks is how incredibly noisy they are. Rest and relaxation? No thanks, deafness for me please! One section had loads of kids' amusement things with exceptionally loud pop music blasting out, and this was competing with the old people performing Beijing opera in another section of the park. While Beijing opera is truly horrendous (think several cats in golf course style lawn mower), it's pretty interesting to watch. Apart from the amusement things, it was actually really nice, quite big so plenty of places to wonder round. Lots of greenery, tropical trees, ruins of old Chinese buildings - not a bathroom tile in sight.
The best thing, though, was a huge group of people looking earnestly at pieces of paper hanging on string between trees and attached to the trees themselves. I wandered over, noticing that nearly everyone was at least 40 or so. Then one of the people talked to me, and I discovered what was going on - a matchmaking service. It was lots of mothers come to find a girl/boy friend for their as yet unattached son or daughter, scribbling down contact information on scraps of paper. All the hanging pieces of paper were like things you get in newspapers - 'woman, 35, seeks etc,etc'. I asked if the 25-40 year olds in question come themselves, and said 'oh, no no no!' It's perfectly normal here, I guess, for mothers to 'assist' in the 'finding significant other' process. There were very, very few people under 40. I felt slightly odd.
I talked to quite a few people there (one guy was telling me why Diana and Charles' marriage didn't work out, he was surprised to learn that Harry's father is not really Charles). Everyone kept asking me, often with a wink, if I had come to find someone myself. When they found out I was 23, they all scoffed and said 'too young, too young!' It was definitely clear from all the name lists that this sort of drastic action need only apply to those in their late 20s and above.
Reading the adverts was really interesting. By far and away the most important thing appearance-wise is height. This is listed right at the top, other physical attritutes weren't normally listed. They were very precise - 'must be 1.58m or taller', etc. On some of them that was the only information listed. When people meet me, the first thing they comment on is how tall I am, and therefore handsome. (This isn't arrogance, all foreigners, despite appearance, get told how handsome they are. It gets very tiring after the initial novelty wears off).
Other 'yaoqiu' [demands/requests] are extremely frank. Mostly the women are looking for someone with a) a good, stable income b) a house c) 'culture' (education level). Personality traits, like generous and kind hearted, etc, if mentioned at all, came after the material, matter-of-fact things. Likewise, men were usually more interested in the financial condition of a prospective wife than her personality.
It's a pretty interesting place, I might go back again. But I'll be sure to bring ear muffs and tape measure.
Sunday, 22 July 2007
Friday, 20 July 2007
More propaganda from British newspapers [you know you've been in China too long when... is below]
Just seen this gem of propoganda in the Guardian...
"As the stage lights were turned on for Shanghai's Live Earth concert yesterday, 200,000 residents of Shuyang county in Jiangsu were getting used to water again after a chemical spill halted supplies for 40 hours. There are reports of riots, demonstrations and petitions in China, reflecting its people's anger at living with pollution.
Meanwhile, Live Earth itself has been an extraordinary success; hundreds of millions have watched, heightening awareness that we must act to protect the planet. For decades blame has been heaped on the United States - 5 per cent of the world's population causing 20 per cent of the world's carbon dioxide emissions - but now China has grown into the world's worst polluter.
In 2006 China sent 6.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere compared with the US's 5.8 billion tonnes. By comparison Britain emitted 600 million tonnes. The truth is that despite the exhortations of Al Gore and all yesterday's charismatic rock stars, unless China changes its ways, the planet will continue to get hotter.
The problem is that, as Ma Jun, China's top environmental campaigner tells The Observer today, there are no independent courts, no free media and no system of political accountability, and China's companies have no sense of corporate responsibility. Unless the communist political system changes, the Chinese people, like the rest of us, can expect its economy to remain filthy. The next Live Earth Day will have to campaign for democracy in China - to save the planet."
I draw your attention to the last paragraph in particular, which Herr Goebbels [Nazi propaganda minister] himself would have been proud of. There first sentence implies that China has none of the listed things, but Britain (and Western countries) do. England has independent courts? What about the BAE affair? Free media? How can a media be 'free' when it's primary function is to maximise profits for shareholders (not necessarily report accurately and appropriately), and when it is funded by adverts from budget airlines, car manufacturers and the like?
Political system of accountability? It takes a really well indoctrinated 'journalist' to write this rubbish and not see the problem. What does Tony Blair get for assisting the killing of thousands of people and ignoring issues people are most concered about? A job as peacemaker. And the last one shows, I think, the incredible stupidity induced by being an white middle/upper class elite. 'Corporate responsibility'. Anyone who has studied any basic economics, or even has just common sense, can see that this is a nonsense. Corporations exist to maximise profit, that is what they are. If 'being responsible' fits in with this goal, they will act accordingly. If not, they won't. Bemoaning Chinese companies for lack of responsiblity, while probably true, is a waste of time.
The last sentence means only democracy in China can save the planet. Maybe a genuine democracy, yes, but presumably the idiot writing this drivel was referring to the glorious democracy that exists in Britain, where you have one vote every 5 years from a hopelessly limited range and have no say at all on the vast majority of matters. This democracy is, also, presumably the democracy that we enjoy spreading to other countries, like Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Jordan, Morocco, Uganda, Hong Kong (before 1997), etc.
And there are some more obvious problems. China has the world's biggest population, so it being the biggest polluter is hardly surprising. Also, if you took China away and put it on the Moon, the planet would still continue to get hotter. And where do a lot of the polluting factories' products go? The European market.
The article shows the usual zero understanding of local conditions. Most Chinese people over 40, and even today hundreds of million more, grew up in poverty, where getting enough to eat was the main concern. Now the country is enjoying prosperity for the first time in a long time. Yes, it's filthy and dirty, but getting a decent standard of living comes first - look at European cities' development. Do you really expect the Chinese leaders to jeopordise that?
And the idea that China needs to do something about it, but Britain doesn't really because it only produces 600 million tonnes or whatever. This is an abject shirking of responsibility. How many Chinese leaders and common people are sitting in their teahouses reading The Observer or Guardian on a Sunday morning? I suspect the answer is near to nil, thus making the exhortation within the article - 'Hey, China, clean up your act' - absolutely worthless. What would be more useful would be writing something that can have an effect i.e., something directed at the people who are reading it, i.e., British people.
Of course China should change it ways, but this sort of blame-shifting article is a) pointless and b) an example of the subtle propaganda present in Western reporting.
"As the stage lights were turned on for Shanghai's Live Earth concert yesterday, 200,000 residents of Shuyang county in Jiangsu were getting used to water again after a chemical spill halted supplies for 40 hours. There are reports of riots, demonstrations and petitions in China, reflecting its people's anger at living with pollution.
Meanwhile, Live Earth itself has been an extraordinary success; hundreds of millions have watched, heightening awareness that we must act to protect the planet. For decades blame has been heaped on the United States - 5 per cent of the world's population causing 20 per cent of the world's carbon dioxide emissions - but now China has grown into the world's worst polluter.
In 2006 China sent 6.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere compared with the US's 5.8 billion tonnes. By comparison Britain emitted 600 million tonnes. The truth is that despite the exhortations of Al Gore and all yesterday's charismatic rock stars, unless China changes its ways, the planet will continue to get hotter.
The problem is that, as Ma Jun, China's top environmental campaigner tells The Observer today, there are no independent courts, no free media and no system of political accountability, and China's companies have no sense of corporate responsibility. Unless the communist political system changes, the Chinese people, like the rest of us, can expect its economy to remain filthy. The next Live Earth Day will have to campaign for democracy in China - to save the planet."
I draw your attention to the last paragraph in particular, which Herr Goebbels [Nazi propaganda minister] himself would have been proud of. There first sentence implies that China has none of the listed things, but Britain (and Western countries) do. England has independent courts? What about the BAE affair? Free media? How can a media be 'free' when it's primary function is to maximise profits for shareholders (not necessarily report accurately and appropriately), and when it is funded by adverts from budget airlines, car manufacturers and the like?
Political system of accountability? It takes a really well indoctrinated 'journalist' to write this rubbish and not see the problem. What does Tony Blair get for assisting the killing of thousands of people and ignoring issues people are most concered about? A job as peacemaker. And the last one shows, I think, the incredible stupidity induced by being an white middle/upper class elite. 'Corporate responsibility'. Anyone who has studied any basic economics, or even has just common sense, can see that this is a nonsense. Corporations exist to maximise profit, that is what they are. If 'being responsible' fits in with this goal, they will act accordingly. If not, they won't. Bemoaning Chinese companies for lack of responsiblity, while probably true, is a waste of time.
The last sentence means only democracy in China can save the planet. Maybe a genuine democracy, yes, but presumably the idiot writing this drivel was referring to the glorious democracy that exists in Britain, where you have one vote every 5 years from a hopelessly limited range and have no say at all on the vast majority of matters. This democracy is, also, presumably the democracy that we enjoy spreading to other countries, like Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Jordan, Morocco, Uganda, Hong Kong (before 1997), etc.
And there are some more obvious problems. China has the world's biggest population, so it being the biggest polluter is hardly surprising. Also, if you took China away and put it on the Moon, the planet would still continue to get hotter. And where do a lot of the polluting factories' products go? The European market.
The article shows the usual zero understanding of local conditions. Most Chinese people over 40, and even today hundreds of million more, grew up in poverty, where getting enough to eat was the main concern. Now the country is enjoying prosperity for the first time in a long time. Yes, it's filthy and dirty, but getting a decent standard of living comes first - look at European cities' development. Do you really expect the Chinese leaders to jeopordise that?
And the idea that China needs to do something about it, but Britain doesn't really because it only produces 600 million tonnes or whatever. This is an abject shirking of responsibility. How many Chinese leaders and common people are sitting in their teahouses reading The Observer or Guardian on a Sunday morning? I suspect the answer is near to nil, thus making the exhortation within the article - 'Hey, China, clean up your act' - absolutely worthless. What would be more useful would be writing something that can have an effect i.e., something directed at the people who are reading it, i.e., British people.
Of course China should change it ways, but this sort of blame-shifting article is a) pointless and b) an example of the subtle propaganda present in Western reporting.
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
You know you've been in China too long when...
You know you've been in China too long when...
(some of a facebook group, some of my own, all ones i agree with)
1) You walk backwards in a park, clapping your hands in front and behind you, listening to a transistor radio
2) You believe the following are medically beneficial / true
- walking backwards
- eating vegetables (soaked in oil)
- you can tell the sex of a pregnant woman's child by taking her pulse
- you shouldn't brush your teeth for 28 days after giving birth
- eating cloves of garlic with every meal
3) All white people look the same to you.
4) You call other foreigners 'laowai' (Chinese for foreigner).
4a) When you see another foreigner, you look them up and down notice their huge arse / yellow hair.
5) You think a 30 year old woman who wears Helly Kitty flip flops is cute.
6) It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th floor window.
7) You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times and jumping up and down will make the lift move faster / doors open quicker.
8) You push your way into a crowded bus/lift before letting other people off.
8a) It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift / bus before anyone can get off.
9) You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
10) You think that 3 pounds for a pair of shorts is a rip-off.
11) You have no reservations about spitting sunflower seeds on the restaurant / bar floor.
12) You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut.
13) You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
14) You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
15) You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
16) You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
17) You look over other peoples shoulder to see what they are reading .
18) You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the pavement.
19) When car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour.
19a) When an 'incident' occurs on the street you gather round and stare gormlessly.
20) You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them.
21) You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules.
22) You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.
23) The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card.
24) You go to the local shop in pyjamas.
25) When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!”
26) You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?”
27) Firecrackers don't wake you up.
28) Forks feel funny.
29) You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.
30) Your handshake is weakening by the day.
31) You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.
32) You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.
33) You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you.
34) When you get on a plane you quickly run for your pre-assigned seat.
35) You can justify drinking 9 laopi [beer] instead of 6 qingpi because it's 1 kuai [ 8 pence] cheaper.
36) When you think it is normal to give money to the turtles in the gardens and not to the homeless.
37) You believe smoking in the gym improves your cardiovascular workout.
38) You want to corner any foreigners you see to practice your English.
39) When you consider tiling the outside of your house with bathroom tiles.
40) You talk incredibly loudly on the phone, particularly on a crowded bus and in local dialect.
41) You're in the market and notice how expensive everything is.
42) You remember to take your tissues with you to the restaurant to wipe the sweat from your forehead afterwards.
43) When you walk round your flat in socks and flip-flops and don't feel like an idiot.
44) Somebody you met 5 minutes ago, introduces you as their "best friend".
45) You make 'best friends' with someone, exchange phone / QQ numbers and never hear from your new best friend again.
46) When you think warm beer and hot water are refreshing and healthy.
47) You no longer get pissed off at hearing how 'shuai' [handsome] you are or how 'li hai' [great] you are.
48) When you notice an attractive girl in short denim shorts, small top and high heels eyeing you up, you accept it's purely because a) the weather is hot and b) you have a very hairy face and big nose.
49) You want to be different and so dye your hair light brown like everyone else.
50) The lorry that sprays water on the road and plays the 'Happy Birthday' tune like a ringtone is no longer annoying.
51) You stop saying please, thank you and sorry, and subsitute them with en, ur and huh.
52) When you can talk on the phone for 20 minutes and only say "en"
53) When you start thinking, "what car shall i buy? A black 1983 Volkswagen Santana".
54) When you start saying how 'mang' [busy] you are because somebody asked you to do something and you're going to have to stop chatting online at work for 10 minutes.
55) When you see a child having a whizz in the lift / on the street is no longer disgusting.
56) When you start thinking that kids trousers with a slit in the back for excrement omittance is a good idea.
57) You wear pink plastic flip-flops.
58) You call the clouds of pollution 'fog'.
59) You say 'Aye-yaaaaaa!' unnecessarily loudly whenever anyone says something disagreeable.
60) When a problem arises you say 'zenme ban' [what should we do?], quickly followed by 'mei banfa' [there's nothing that can be done], then go to the net bar to play counter strike and forget about it.
61) You refer to the computer game Counter Strike as CS.
62) You've learnt how to spin a pen on your finger like Chinese kids can.
63) You think reading comic books in a bar is cool.
64) You stopped checking your weather on the BBC website, because opening it every day has caused all your internet actions to be censored.
65) You're no longer surprised that when ordering a beer, first comes the glass, then the beer, then a short while after the beer opener.
66) You're no longer surprised when, after asking for said beer opener, the waiter looks at you with a 'Shit, you're clever, that's a good idea' look.
67) You're no longer surprised when ordering food, the dishes will come first, followed 45 later minutes by the rice.
68) You think people are handsome just because they are tall.
69) You start using the word 'handsome'.
70) You say 'How to spell', instead of 'How do you spell'.
71) You refer to things as 'ke ai' [lovely, cute, nice], particularly in the presence of other men.
72) You walk at a mind-numbingly slow speed and block the whole sidewalk despite being wafer thin.
73) When watching a film you laugh uproariously at the most inane thing and insist on pointing it out to your foreign friend, explaining exactly why it is amusing.
74) You need a break after your lunch break.
75) You can't use a mobile phone without something red hanging from it.
76) You start using the word 'oral' instead of 'spoken/speaking'.
77) When you realize you cant take a photo without raising your hand into a "V" sign and saying 'aubergine' in Chinese everytime.
78) When you think taking pictures of your friends on campus standing next to bins / lampposts / table tennis tables / gates constitutes fun.
79) Liquid or flaky poo is normal. Solid ones are looked upon with suspicion.
80) When the concept of punctuality has disappeared from your thought process.
81) You can automatically avoid stepping on those loose paving stones that spit up water when you step on it.
82) You think sleeping on a wooden bed sheet is comfortable and cooling.
83) You feel the uncontrollable urge to hurt something once you're asked what you think about 'DaShan' [an ugly Canadian whose head is 85% forehead and speaks perfect Chinese, a celebrity in China].
84) You're no longer surprised to see 22 year old male university students wearing David Beckham Tshirts.
85) You start to believe you actually could be the most handsome or beautiful foreigner known to man.
86) You can start to tell the difference between Koreans and Chinese.
87) You dont' even notice anymore when the lady going through your rubbish stops to answer her mobile phone.
88) You aren't suprised to walk into an office and find everyone either sleeping or eating.
89) You carry your phone in a case on your belt. You'd put it in your man-bag but that's full of cigarettes, plus the zip breaks easy on fake LV bags.
90) You think it's cool to book a table in a night club and sit and watch everyone else having a good time.
91) Putting ice into your beer with a teaspoon no longer makes you feel homosexual.
92) You're able to write characters on the table with your finger to explain your meaning.
93) You don't notice the people at 3 am watching the goings-on at the building site next to your apartment.
94) You think that the utter crap sold at tourist sites is good quality merchandise.
95) You've realised you can't run anymore.
96) All your light coloured shirts are stained.
The following are based on, but with personal amendments and additions from me, some guy on Facebook called Kirk Dougnalds. All genius observations.
93) You roll up parts of your clothing.
94) You think a chicken's foot is the best bit.
95) You enjoy a 'man stand' (standing with other men, doing nothing except spitting and smoking).
96) You wait (impatiently) for a 'xiaojie' to re-rack your balls on the pool table.
97) You state simple observational facts about yourself for conversation. Such as, 'wo hen lei' [I'm tired] or 'wo hen leng/re' [I'm cold/hot].
98) You prefer QQ [Chinese MSN]. Especially with the volume on.
99) You leave your apartment door wide open when u are home (particularly with the above).
100)You hate Japan vehemently.
101) You need glasses.
102) You start sitting 4 inches from the TV and still squint.
103) You think bars and clubs are places of evil.
104) You can't speak English very well.
105) You can speak the local dialect.
106) You say 'I know' to things you didn't know.
107) You say 'maybe' before stating a fact.
108) You start lying to avoid losing face.
109) A half pint of beer looks like a bucket.
110) You stop thinking about sex.
111) You think a man-made lake is very beautiful.
112) You think it's a good idea to wear high heels / jeans/ suit when climbing a mountain.
113) You think climbing 7kms of stone steps up a mountain in 35 degree heat is relaxing.
114) You open a window on the bus to avoid catching a cold, despite the fact it is freezing.
115) You start saying 'Bah bah' instead of 'bye'.
116) You think contact sports are very dangerous.
117) You feel embarrassed to split the bill.
118) You don't like quiet restaurants.
119) You interrupt peoples' conversations.
120) You think it's reasonable to yell out for a waiter's attention.
121) You don't allow your rucksack to touch the floor.
122) You insist on sitting on a book when sitting on something outside.
123) You get drunk on 1 pint of Western beer.
124) You continually say 'gan ma'.
125) You feel comfortable touching and being extremely close to people of the same sex.
126) You refer to your friends as siblings.
127) You roll up your t-shirt to reveal your fat stomach after a good meal.
(some of a facebook group, some of my own, all ones i agree with)
1) You walk backwards in a park, clapping your hands in front and behind you, listening to a transistor radio
2) You believe the following are medically beneficial / true
- walking backwards
- eating vegetables (soaked in oil)
- you can tell the sex of a pregnant woman's child by taking her pulse
- you shouldn't brush your teeth for 28 days after giving birth
- eating cloves of garlic with every meal
3) All white people look the same to you.
4) You call other foreigners 'laowai' (Chinese for foreigner).
4a) When you see another foreigner, you look them up and down notice their huge arse / yellow hair.
5) You think a 30 year old woman who wears Helly Kitty flip flops is cute.
6) It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th floor window.
7) You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times and jumping up and down will make the lift move faster / doors open quicker.
8) You push your way into a crowded bus/lift before letting other people off.
8a) It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift / bus before anyone can get off.
9) You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
10) You think that 3 pounds for a pair of shorts is a rip-off.
11) You have no reservations about spitting sunflower seeds on the restaurant / bar floor.
12) You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut.
13) You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
14) You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
15) You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
16) You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
17) You look over other peoples shoulder to see what they are reading .
18) You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the pavement.
19) When car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour.
19a) When an 'incident' occurs on the street you gather round and stare gormlessly.
20) You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them.
21) You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules.
22) You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.
23) The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card.
24) You go to the local shop in pyjamas.
25) When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!”
26) You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?”
27) Firecrackers don't wake you up.
28) Forks feel funny.
29) You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.
30) Your handshake is weakening by the day.
31) You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.
32) You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.
33) You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you.
34) When you get on a plane you quickly run for your pre-assigned seat.
35) You can justify drinking 9 laopi [beer] instead of 6 qingpi because it's 1 kuai [ 8 pence] cheaper.
36) When you think it is normal to give money to the turtles in the gardens and not to the homeless.
37) You believe smoking in the gym improves your cardiovascular workout.
38) You want to corner any foreigners you see to practice your English.
39) When you consider tiling the outside of your house with bathroom tiles.
40) You talk incredibly loudly on the phone, particularly on a crowded bus and in local dialect.
41) You're in the market and notice how expensive everything is.
42) You remember to take your tissues with you to the restaurant to wipe the sweat from your forehead afterwards.
43) When you walk round your flat in socks and flip-flops and don't feel like an idiot.
44) Somebody you met 5 minutes ago, introduces you as their "best friend".
45) You make 'best friends' with someone, exchange phone / QQ numbers and never hear from your new best friend again.
46) When you think warm beer and hot water are refreshing and healthy.
47) You no longer get pissed off at hearing how 'shuai' [handsome] you are or how 'li hai' [great] you are.
48) When you notice an attractive girl in short denim shorts, small top and high heels eyeing you up, you accept it's purely because a) the weather is hot and b) you have a very hairy face and big nose.
49) You want to be different and so dye your hair light brown like everyone else.
50) The lorry that sprays water on the road and plays the 'Happy Birthday' tune like a ringtone is no longer annoying.
51) You stop saying please, thank you and sorry, and subsitute them with en, ur and huh.
52) When you can talk on the phone for 20 minutes and only say "en"
53) When you start thinking, "what car shall i buy? A black 1983 Volkswagen Santana".
54) When you start saying how 'mang' [busy] you are because somebody asked you to do something and you're going to have to stop chatting online at work for 10 minutes.
55) When you see a child having a whizz in the lift / on the street is no longer disgusting.
56) When you start thinking that kids trousers with a slit in the back for excrement omittance is a good idea.
57) You wear pink plastic flip-flops.
58) You call the clouds of pollution 'fog'.
59) You say 'Aye-yaaaaaa!' unnecessarily loudly whenever anyone says something disagreeable.
60) When a problem arises you say 'zenme ban' [what should we do?], quickly followed by 'mei banfa' [there's nothing that can be done], then go to the net bar to play counter strike and forget about it.
61) You refer to the computer game Counter Strike as CS.
62) You've learnt how to spin a pen on your finger like Chinese kids can.
63) You think reading comic books in a bar is cool.
64) You stopped checking your weather on the BBC website, because opening it every day has caused all your internet actions to be censored.
65) You're no longer surprised that when ordering a beer, first comes the glass, then the beer, then a short while after the beer opener.
66) You're no longer surprised when, after asking for said beer opener, the waiter looks at you with a 'Shit, you're clever, that's a good idea' look.
67) You're no longer surprised when ordering food, the dishes will come first, followed 45 later minutes by the rice.
68) You think people are handsome just because they are tall.
69) You start using the word 'handsome'.
70) You say 'How to spell', instead of 'How do you spell'.
71) You refer to things as 'ke ai' [lovely, cute, nice], particularly in the presence of other men.
72) You walk at a mind-numbingly slow speed and block the whole sidewalk despite being wafer thin.
73) When watching a film you laugh uproariously at the most inane thing and insist on pointing it out to your foreign friend, explaining exactly why it is amusing.
74) You need a break after your lunch break.
75) You can't use a mobile phone without something red hanging from it.
76) You start using the word 'oral' instead of 'spoken/speaking'.
77) When you realize you cant take a photo without raising your hand into a "V" sign and saying 'aubergine' in Chinese everytime.
78) When you think taking pictures of your friends on campus standing next to bins / lampposts / table tennis tables / gates constitutes fun.
79) Liquid or flaky poo is normal. Solid ones are looked upon with suspicion.
80) When the concept of punctuality has disappeared from your thought process.
81) You can automatically avoid stepping on those loose paving stones that spit up water when you step on it.
82) You think sleeping on a wooden bed sheet is comfortable and cooling.
83) You feel the uncontrollable urge to hurt something once you're asked what you think about 'DaShan' [an ugly Canadian whose head is 85% forehead and speaks perfect Chinese, a celebrity in China].
84) You're no longer surprised to see 22 year old male university students wearing David Beckham Tshirts.
85) You start to believe you actually could be the most handsome or beautiful foreigner known to man.
86) You can start to tell the difference between Koreans and Chinese.
87) You dont' even notice anymore when the lady going through your rubbish stops to answer her mobile phone.
88) You aren't suprised to walk into an office and find everyone either sleeping or eating.
89) You carry your phone in a case on your belt. You'd put it in your man-bag but that's full of cigarettes, plus the zip breaks easy on fake LV bags.
90) You think it's cool to book a table in a night club and sit and watch everyone else having a good time.
91) Putting ice into your beer with a teaspoon no longer makes you feel homosexual.
92) You're able to write characters on the table with your finger to explain your meaning.
93) You don't notice the people at 3 am watching the goings-on at the building site next to your apartment.
94) You think that the utter crap sold at tourist sites is good quality merchandise.
95) You've realised you can't run anymore.
96) All your light coloured shirts are stained.
The following are based on, but with personal amendments and additions from me, some guy on Facebook called Kirk Dougnalds. All genius observations.
93) You roll up parts of your clothing.
94) You think a chicken's foot is the best bit.
95) You enjoy a 'man stand' (standing with other men, doing nothing except spitting and smoking).
96) You wait (impatiently) for a 'xiaojie' to re-rack your balls on the pool table.
97) You state simple observational facts about yourself for conversation. Such as, 'wo hen lei' [I'm tired] or 'wo hen leng/re' [I'm cold/hot].
98) You prefer QQ [Chinese MSN]. Especially with the volume on.
99) You leave your apartment door wide open when u are home (particularly with the above).
100)You hate Japan vehemently.
101) You need glasses.
102) You start sitting 4 inches from the TV and still squint.
103) You think bars and clubs are places of evil.
104) You can't speak English very well.
105) You can speak the local dialect.
106) You say 'I know' to things you didn't know.
107) You say 'maybe' before stating a fact.
108) You start lying to avoid losing face.
109) A half pint of beer looks like a bucket.
110) You stop thinking about sex.
111) You think a man-made lake is very beautiful.
112) You think it's a good idea to wear high heels / jeans/ suit when climbing a mountain.
113) You think climbing 7kms of stone steps up a mountain in 35 degree heat is relaxing.
114) You open a window on the bus to avoid catching a cold, despite the fact it is freezing.
115) You start saying 'Bah bah' instead of 'bye'.
116) You think contact sports are very dangerous.
117) You feel embarrassed to split the bill.
118) You don't like quiet restaurants.
119) You interrupt peoples' conversations.
120) You think it's reasonable to yell out for a waiter's attention.
121) You don't allow your rucksack to touch the floor.
122) You insist on sitting on a book when sitting on something outside.
123) You get drunk on 1 pint of Western beer.
124) You continually say 'gan ma'.
125) You feel comfortable touching and being extremely close to people of the same sex.
126) You refer to your friends as siblings.
127) You roll up your t-shirt to reveal your fat stomach after a good meal.
So yesterday I thought I'd give my new 'fan in a box' a try. It's this contraption which is a bit like a fan in a box, and you put cold water and ice packs inside, so when it's turned on, it blasts out cold air, instead of warm air like an ordinary fan does. To start with, my room temperature was 29.1 degrees. After 30 minutes 10 inches in front of the fan, the temperature reader was reading 29.0 degrees, a truly enormous change, producing igloo-like conditions in my room. And because it's quite noisy, it has to be turned off when trying to sleep anyway. Another quality Chinese product.
What have I been doing recently? Not a huge amount. Have 2 hours of Chinese lessons in the morning with a 'tutor' (Masters student), going through an intermediate level textbook. So it ensures I continue to make progress. I've been working a lot on my 'fayin' (pronunciation) recently, I have successfully learnt how to pronounce previously unpronouncable sounds, but I know I still have a horrible foreign accent. I've also started writing things again, and having them corrected. Learning new words, grammar, and using them both correctly is only half the challenge - the style of writing in Chinese is very different, and obviously incredibly hard to imitate. I think I could write a grammatically perfect essay and it would still be obviously penned by a foreigner.
Last week, I made 2 mistakes. One, agreed to teach English to some kids for a few days, and two, agreed to teach English to one rich kid for the summer. I've finished with the group of kids, and this week started with the rich kid. I teach him for 6 hours a week, 3 times a week. He's only 10, but really bright and already speaks decent English, much better than my flatmate whose 'major' is English. Today he corrected my spelling ('switches'). I tutor him in his house, and his mum sits next to him during the lesson. But today she gave me a Cornetto after the lesson, so it must be going OK. I got him to label everything with post-it notes today, that took up quite some time. Maybe next week I'll get him to label everything in the bathroom - 'What's this? That's right, it's a bog brush'.
Apart from this, I spend a lot of time reading Chinese, re-reading things, speaking to random people, and wandering around Xi'an on a bike. The bike allows what is a hectic, dirty, and stifflingly hot place to become a leisurely and relaxing city. It's all about the old fashioned handlebars that point in. I feel like I'm in cycling round Cambridge with deck shoes and a jumper tied round my shoulders, until I see an old man walking backwards across the road and realise that I am, indeed, in China.
What have I been doing recently? Not a huge amount. Have 2 hours of Chinese lessons in the morning with a 'tutor' (Masters student), going through an intermediate level textbook. So it ensures I continue to make progress. I've been working a lot on my 'fayin' (pronunciation) recently, I have successfully learnt how to pronounce previously unpronouncable sounds, but I know I still have a horrible foreign accent. I've also started writing things again, and having them corrected. Learning new words, grammar, and using them both correctly is only half the challenge - the style of writing in Chinese is very different, and obviously incredibly hard to imitate. I think I could write a grammatically perfect essay and it would still be obviously penned by a foreigner.
Last week, I made 2 mistakes. One, agreed to teach English to some kids for a few days, and two, agreed to teach English to one rich kid for the summer. I've finished with the group of kids, and this week started with the rich kid. I teach him for 6 hours a week, 3 times a week. He's only 10, but really bright and already speaks decent English, much better than my flatmate whose 'major' is English. Today he corrected my spelling ('switches'). I tutor him in his house, and his mum sits next to him during the lesson. But today she gave me a Cornetto after the lesson, so it must be going OK. I got him to label everything with post-it notes today, that took up quite some time. Maybe next week I'll get him to label everything in the bathroom - 'What's this? That's right, it's a bog brush'.
Apart from this, I spend a lot of time reading Chinese, re-reading things, speaking to random people, and wandering around Xi'an on a bike. The bike allows what is a hectic, dirty, and stifflingly hot place to become a leisurely and relaxing city. It's all about the old fashioned handlebars that point in. I feel like I'm in cycling round Cambridge with deck shoes and a jumper tied round my shoulders, until I see an old man walking backwards across the road and realise that I am, indeed, in China.
Tuesday, 3 July 2007
News reporting on China
Every week I read all the articles about China from the main British newspapers. The thing that strikes me most is the abysmal standard of reporting. I know mainstream journalists are mostly pretty indoctrinated (you have to be to get that high up), but they're obviously pretty lazy as well. I know the Telegraph main China guy gave up learning Chinese because it was too hard. He's meant to be this fountain of knowledge about China, and can't even speak to 99.9% of Chinese people.
And a couple of weeks ago there was a big story in a place 200kms outside of Beijing. The reporter, this time from the Guardian, relied 100% on Xinhua, the Chinese government news agency, for all the information. How about getting on a train and going there to find out for yourself? It's very noticeable how they use Xinhua when it suits them, for reasonably non-political stuff. Here, Xinhua is treated as reliable. But when it comes to more overtly politically-orientated stuff, Xinhua is referred to as 'the state controlled Xinhua', or 'government-controlled Xinhua', implying that, now, Xinhua is not useful as a source of accurate information. Personally, I'm sure Xinhua is rubbish, but then the British reporting is not far behind.
This week was the 10th anniversary of the return of Hong Kong. For 3 days there was nothing else on the news channel. I can't understand a lot of it, but the gist was 'HK is better, stronger, richer than before, also rightfully ours, so we're very happy'. That's fair enough, you wouldn't expect them to talk much about democracy and that sort of thing. It seems Beijing has mostly left it alone anyway, it's too much of a good thing for them to interfere in and mess up.
The reporting on it from this idiot in the Guardian, though, was an example of how indocrtrinated elites are. Here's the article - http://www.guardian.co.uk/china/story/0,,2115315,00.html
The first half is a sort of grudging acceptance that the Chinese didn't cock it up as predicted. The second half is almost Orwellian. And the second half is moaning about the lack of democracy. The last two paragraphs are as follows :
"On both sides of the border, there is more money, inequality and frustration. With neither administration elected by universal suffrage and both focusing on business interests, they increasingly resemble unpopular plutocracies.
"The collusion between rich people and the government is accelerating," said Leung Kwok Hung, the only popularly elected Marxist among the 1.3bn population of China. "We have a more divided society than ever. The gap between the rich and poor is widening.""
If you change the first few words from 'on both sides of the border' to 'In the UK', you would have a pretty accurate picture of affairs in England. England is richer, more unequal, and people feel they have no influence on government (eg, Iraq Adventure). Only 59% of people vote. Government is so obviously here to support leading British companies (eg, BAE-Saudi issue), it hardly needs clarifying. The last two sentences of the second paragraph are a pinpoint description of Britain. In HK, this situation is a disaster, but in the UK, its so widely accepted it's not even noticed.
It seems that this contradiction is just totally missed by this journalist. If he had half a brain that he cared to use, he would realise the proposterous nature of the rubbish he is writing. The idea that the UK government is somehow 'committed to democracy' is just absolute, utter rubbish, in England and especially abroad. Britain had 150 years to introduce democracy to HK, and chose not to. Why expect the Chinese to do so, especially as they're so evil and horrible anyway.
There's a phrase in Chinese - 'shuo san dao si 说三道四' - literally, say 3, do 4, ie., say one thing and do another. The Chinese government does it, but the idea that the British do it is just not acceptable in the higher levels of society, even when it is so glaringly obvious.
And a couple of weeks ago there was a big story in a place 200kms outside of Beijing. The reporter, this time from the Guardian, relied 100% on Xinhua, the Chinese government news agency, for all the information. How about getting on a train and going there to find out for yourself? It's very noticeable how they use Xinhua when it suits them, for reasonably non-political stuff. Here, Xinhua is treated as reliable. But when it comes to more overtly politically-orientated stuff, Xinhua is referred to as 'the state controlled Xinhua', or 'government-controlled Xinhua', implying that, now, Xinhua is not useful as a source of accurate information. Personally, I'm sure Xinhua is rubbish, but then the British reporting is not far behind.
This week was the 10th anniversary of the return of Hong Kong. For 3 days there was nothing else on the news channel. I can't understand a lot of it, but the gist was 'HK is better, stronger, richer than before, also rightfully ours, so we're very happy'. That's fair enough, you wouldn't expect them to talk much about democracy and that sort of thing. It seems Beijing has mostly left it alone anyway, it's too much of a good thing for them to interfere in and mess up.
The reporting on it from this idiot in the Guardian, though, was an example of how indocrtrinated elites are. Here's the article - http://www.guardian.co.uk/china/story/0,,2115315,00.html
The first half is a sort of grudging acceptance that the Chinese didn't cock it up as predicted. The second half is almost Orwellian. And the second half is moaning about the lack of democracy. The last two paragraphs are as follows :
"On both sides of the border, there is more money, inequality and frustration. With neither administration elected by universal suffrage and both focusing on business interests, they increasingly resemble unpopular plutocracies.
"The collusion between rich people and the government is accelerating," said Leung Kwok Hung, the only popularly elected Marxist among the 1.3bn population of China. "We have a more divided society than ever. The gap between the rich and poor is widening.""
If you change the first few words from 'on both sides of the border' to 'In the UK', you would have a pretty accurate picture of affairs in England. England is richer, more unequal, and people feel they have no influence on government (eg, Iraq Adventure). Only 59% of people vote. Government is so obviously here to support leading British companies (eg, BAE-Saudi issue), it hardly needs clarifying. The last two sentences of the second paragraph are a pinpoint description of Britain. In HK, this situation is a disaster, but in the UK, its so widely accepted it's not even noticed.
It seems that this contradiction is just totally missed by this journalist. If he had half a brain that he cared to use, he would realise the proposterous nature of the rubbish he is writing. The idea that the UK government is somehow 'committed to democracy' is just absolute, utter rubbish, in England and especially abroad. Britain had 150 years to introduce democracy to HK, and chose not to. Why expect the Chinese to do so, especially as they're so evil and horrible anyway.
There's a phrase in Chinese - 'shuo san dao si 说三道四' - literally, say 3, do 4, ie., say one thing and do another. The Chinese government does it, but the idea that the British do it is just not acceptable in the higher levels of society, even when it is so glaringly obvious.
Food stuff
These are pictures of 'malatang'. This was just after my week of no eating, hence the skeletal appearance. Your table has a big bowl in the middle, heated underneath, which is divided into two different soup things, one spicy, one not. You then go a select your food, all of which is on sticks. The funny thing is it all looks different but tastes more or less the same. Then you go back and put all the sticks with food on into the soups, then when you eat it, you pull it off the sticks with your chopsticks, dip in the bowl with peanut butter stuff in, then eat it, all the time being buffeted by steam from the soup. I like it mainly because it's funny trying to eat it, as well the lively atmosphere in the restaurant.
Rock concert
This was a music 'festival' the other day in a field outside Xi'an. Like most things here, it was great not because of any intrinsic quality but because it's just so strange, interesting, and different. You never know what's going to happen.
For the first few acts, the people at the front were all sitting on the floor. True party animals, these guys. My flatmate is the worst for this. To digress a little, we went to another music thing the other day, and when he was telling me beforehand about it, he said it would be really good for 2 reasons - a) they have chairs, and b) the chairs will be comfortable. I just find it so funny the a key requirement for a music event aimed at young people is the quality, comfort and ampleness of the seating. So many are just too lazy to stand.
It was mostly rock music, but Act 3 was a middle-aged woman in sequien dress belting out such rock classics as 'Moon River'. Again, I just find this so funny - all these people dressed up in the audience for a night of rock and then their mum comes on stage for an operatic version of Moon River.
Although I do class Moon River as one of the my Desert Island Discs (who doesn't?), I thought that would be a good time to check out the grounds. There was a lake somewhere behind the stage, and when I was walking round it, some old dude grabbed my arm and tried to throw me in it. I broke his grip and walked off, then he picked up a brick and threw it at me (he missed). I retaliated with some colourful English and Chinese swearing, although it's very hard to swear in Chinese when taken by surprise.
After a while (and after the Moon River woman), the people at the front finally got up and started moving, throwing drinks around,etc. The music was OK, nothing incredible, mainly local performers from Xi'an. Had some rappers, some Avril Lavigne impersonators, Guns and Roses, some group doing Libertines stuff. (I've no idea who they are, but my Aussie friend told me).
And then, in something that nicely sums up the petty paranioa of Chinese authorities, the police stopped it 11pm (it was meant to be an all night event) because they were worried it would get out of control. I.e., they were worried people might actually enjoy themselves and do such outrageous things as having a good time. There was no way this event was ever going to get out of control, old people in Crown Bingo on a Sunday morning are more raucus than Chinese students, but they shut it down anyway. So I sat around for a while with some Chinese friends eating lollipops and hiding under umbrellas becuase of the light drizzle (again, hilarious).
And you thought Glasto was good.
Cycling in China
My friend was given a bike recently, and I've taken it out for a spin a couple of times. It's a big ugly black old thing called 'erbai dalu' with those old-fashioned handlebars pointing in. When you cycle past people, you sometimes hear' 'look, foreigner on a bike!'. The young people note how old and horrible the bike is, but the old people give you a knowing nod of respect.
The best thing is the sense of freedom. You can go wherever you like, at whatever speed you like, at whatever time you like. Last week I went into the city centre (about an hour) at 11 at night and spent all night riding round, getting lost in side streets, cycling on empty 4 lane roads, just sampling the summer nighttime atmosphere, etc. Great fun. And like the best things in life, it's free.
The complete lack of bike lights, helmets, reflectors, trousers clips, water bottle on the frame, panniers, and whatever else constitutes cycling in an EU health-and-safety regulated country only adds to the freedom and fun. All you need here is a bike (although the bell comes in handy). I felt like an idiot the first time I rang the bell, but you really have to give it tinkle now and then with all people wandering all over the place.
You can go on either lane of the road or the pavement. If you don't feel like stopping at the red lights, that's cool, no worries. If you want to have a go on the 4 lane roundabout in the middle of the city, that's cool as well, you'll be joined by plenty others.
The strangest thing is that if you ride like a sensible person, you will have trouble. If you make eye contact with people coming on the opposite direction, it promotes indecision so everyone starts wobbling around as you get closer and that's when accidents happen. The best thing is just to ignore everything and keep going - people will (mostly) stop for you. It's very counter-intuitive, and I haven't mastered it yet, but it's surprisingly true.
The best thing is the sense of freedom. You can go wherever you like, at whatever speed you like, at whatever time you like. Last week I went into the city centre (about an hour) at 11 at night and spent all night riding round, getting lost in side streets, cycling on empty 4 lane roads, just sampling the summer nighttime atmosphere, etc. Great fun. And like the best things in life, it's free.
The complete lack of bike lights, helmets, reflectors, trousers clips, water bottle on the frame, panniers, and whatever else constitutes cycling in an EU health-and-safety regulated country only adds to the freedom and fun. All you need here is a bike (although the bell comes in handy). I felt like an idiot the first time I rang the bell, but you really have to give it tinkle now and then with all people wandering all over the place.
You can go on either lane of the road or the pavement. If you don't feel like stopping at the red lights, that's cool, no worries. If you want to have a go on the 4 lane roundabout in the middle of the city, that's cool as well, you'll be joined by plenty others.
The strangest thing is that if you ride like a sensible person, you will have trouble. If you make eye contact with people coming on the opposite direction, it promotes indecision so everyone starts wobbling around as you get closer and that's when accidents happen. The best thing is just to ignore everything and keep going - people will (mostly) stop for you. It's very counter-intuitive, and I haven't mastered it yet, but it's surprisingly true.
Classmates
One of the best things about studying Chinese here is the international atmosphere. Most of the students are Korean. I'm in 2 classes, and the majority are Korean and really nice. I had a good friend from Korea who left the other day, so hopefully I've bagged myself free accommodation for next time I'm in Korea. One time, the lesson was on eating out, and one of the Koreans invited everyone over to their flat that evening, where she cooked loads of really good Korean food. Being a modern day Notre Damus, I decided not to go to class that day, so didn't know about this and heard about it the day after from someone else...
There were loads of Kazakhs here earlier on in the term, but they've all gone home. They were pretty cool, but my Kazakh isn't upto much so conversation was limited. They're pretty friendly to each other, always shaking hands and hugging when seeing each other in the morning. Quite a few of them were always shaking my hand, even though I didn't know them. As long as it didn't get onto hugs, I thought it was great. The coolest guy was the one who, on May 7th, pointed out to my German flatmate that it was VE day. 'Thet vas a real var!'
There's a class of Vietnamese as well, they're all really good at Chinese, and super friendly. One of them is so incredibly friendly, she just talks to everyone and anyone. If I had any money, I'd be going down to Vietnam this summer.
Then there's a few others, a few Aussies, 2 from England, a few from Western Europe and America. The only time I've spoken to one of the Italians is when he asked me if I knew Samantha Fox, apparently she's still big in Italy. There's a couple of guys from Ghana, and I feel sorry for them because being black in China is not easy. There were 3 other English guys here, but because the teaching is so dreadful they left.
There were loads of Kazakhs here earlier on in the term, but they've all gone home. They were pretty cool, but my Kazakh isn't upto much so conversation was limited. They're pretty friendly to each other, always shaking hands and hugging when seeing each other in the morning. Quite a few of them were always shaking my hand, even though I didn't know them. As long as it didn't get onto hugs, I thought it was great. The coolest guy was the one who, on May 7th, pointed out to my German flatmate that it was VE day. 'Thet vas a real var!'
There's a class of Vietnamese as well, they're all really good at Chinese, and super friendly. One of them is so incredibly friendly, she just talks to everyone and anyone. If I had any money, I'd be going down to Vietnam this summer.
Then there's a few others, a few Aussies, 2 from England, a few from Western Europe and America. The only time I've spoken to one of the Italians is when he asked me if I knew Samantha Fox, apparently she's still big in Italy. There's a couple of guys from Ghana, and I feel sorry for them because being black in China is not easy. There were 3 other English guys here, but because the teaching is so dreadful they left.
People pictures 3
I can't remember what this was for, but the people are : me, Josh, Jiang Shen Long, the grammar teacher, a Korean in my class, Aktoty (Kazakhstan), Nofita (Indonesia), ?, Rosa (both Kazakstan). Taken in a Xinjiang (China's most Western province) restaurant. Quality food.
People pictures 1
This was a dinner for the Korean guy in the white shirt, front row centre. A cool dude. Front row, L-F = Brooke, Josh (both Aussie), Jiang Shen Long (Korea), Agus(Indonesia), Tom (Pom). Back row, L-R = ?, Sana (both Japanese), Clemens (German), Shaun (American). All classmates, more or less.
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