Saturday morning swindle

A piece of writing about China would not be complete without reference to 'an ancient Chinese proverb' or some such. 崇洋媚外 - chong yang mei wai - is one of the first I learned, referring negatively to someone who overly admirers foreign (particularly western) objects and ideas. Generally speaking, this trend is present throughout all of China, as seen by the token foreigner who appears in adverts for luxury products. In fact, it probably accounts for half the reason why I have my current job. It also provides me with an extra income.

Last Wednesday, I get a call asking me if I'd like to pretend to be from the French Royal Professional Eye Beauty Association and give a short speech and deliver a prize at the new product launch of a Chinese make-up company. I said I would be delighted.

After work the next day, I went to an office hidden away in the back streets of old central Xian. I waited in the manager's office, admiring his extensive tea drinking set and Buddhist statues promising wealth.

The manager never turned up, so I spoke with another guy. I did mention the slight stumbling block of not being able to speak French, but he said it didn't matter. Waiyu - foreign language - is a collective expression used to refer to anything other than Chinese, so the fact that I would be speaking English instead of French was a non-issue. He dismissed my other queries as the ramblings of an over-worried foreigner.

Then it came to the key - money. The day before and again in the office, they asked me how much I wanted. It was the same when I got the job at the power company. It makes me uncomfortable. I asked how much he was offering. He insisted I first name a number. Then some random men came in and we sat around smoking Eight Happiness cigarettes and drinking tea for a bit. Later we went to a room to discuss again the money issue. I started at 500, he got me down to 400. I'm rubbish at bargaining, but in terms of consumer surplus, I was happy enough.

On Saturday morning, I turned up at nine o’clock at the hotel where all the guests of the company were staying. Previously I had been told 10am, then 8am, and after getting to the hotel, I sat in an empty room for an hour and a half, away from the crowds and watching live coverage of the drought in south-west China. When all the guests left, we headed off to the venue. It turned out to be a theatre, with all sorts of singers, dancers and the 'workers' of the company in the wings waiting to go on and do their lifeless performances showing how good their team spirit is.

Two flaws in the master plan quickly appeared. One, no translator. Two, if I really was a guest of the company from Paris, I should be sitting with the company leaders at the large table in front of the stage, not waiting in the wings with the performers.

Anyway, after hearing my name, I walked out and stood on a big empty stage in front of 200 people. I was given two bouquets of flowers, which I had to hand straight back to read my speech. For some reason, I read the following - written by them, translated by me - both quickly and in a very poor French accent.

Respected ladies and gentlemen,
Firstly please let me introduce myself. I am Jean Dupont, from the French Royal Professional Eye Beauty Association. On behalf of the Association, I would like to welcome Shanghai Yuze Biotechnology Development Company into our team and becoming one of our co-operation partners in China.
I would also like to tell everyone a good news. Yuze Company will, from today, having undergone stringent checks from us, have the only Royal Professional Eye Beauty Association manicurists accreditation in China.
We have a series of stringent checks and procedures in place for all our partners. When we were at Yuze, we saw that their attitude was serious, their service honest, and they were concerned greatly about the customers. Not only the standardised strict procedures, but also their diligence in production moved us. They showed themselves to be dedicated to raising awareness of eyes and eyes health issues, as well as the overall health of customers. A company which is so concerned about its customers is worthy of our trust. It is also worthy of the trust of everyone sitting here today.
Finally, let us applaud the new product showcasing of our partner, and hope that this range can bring us an even better future. Merci.

100% horse poo, naturally.

After the speech, the MC wearing a white suit and plastic glasses with no lenses came back on and addressed me by my Chinese nickname, apparently forgetting that I wasn't supposed to speak Chinese. A company 'leader' got up and I presented him with a fake but beautifully framed certificate. Then I walked off, put on my coat and met my 'contact' outside. He looked slightly disappointed, perhaps realising the same two problems that I had realised. Then one of the other men from two days before came out and invited me to lunch. While I was making my excuses, I was bundled away by one of the company's staff because some of the guests were filing out of the main auditorium next to where we were standing, no doubt wondering why this French make-up business guy who speaks accented English instead of actual French was now talking in Chinese about his afternoon of teaching English.

And with that I walked out into the spring sunshine, 400 kuai better off. There is obviously the moral issue of lying, but I chose to see it as a 'minor wealth enhancing opportunity'. Besides, in a few years’ time, when Chinese people are less inclined to be chong yang mei wai, my days of getting paid to put on a tie and sound like Inspector Clouseau will be coming to an end.