Valentines Day

5000 years of glorious history, from the bone-reading clerics of the Shang Dynasty all the way through to Bruce Lee, a fair supply of festivals have been invented and accumulated during this time. A festival celebrating the act of love, lovers, etc, is among them. The traditional 'Lover's Day' in China is the 7th day of the 7th lunar month (in August), and I read about the story in the Intermediate (Lower) Chinese textbook a couple of years ago. It seemed a nice story, about a boy and a girl separated by an evil old woman, and only allowed to meet once a year. They are represented by two stars in the sky.

But that's old, boring, and, crucially, is not commercially viable. So what we need to do is forget that rubbish and learn something from those rich, car-owning Westerners - celebrate Valentines Day. A perfect opportunity to spend ever larger proportions of our small salaries on crap no-one wants for the girl we love.


So what is the correct way to show our appreciation and affection? Money. Or, if you have it, loads of money. Flowers are good, although be sure to buy a bunch bigger than your loved one's best friend, otherwise she will be even more offended than if you had bought nothing. Blue roses have been on offer this year. Chocolates, as well, are good, preferably Western brands (knock off ones acceptable, she'll never notice).


Other ideal presents include kingsize fluffy animals, and it seems the older your precious sweetheart is, the bigger should her new bedtime companion be. Disney character balloons and thin ones twisted into the shape of hearts are offered at street corners. If you're feeling devilish, you could buy all of them, although this might cause the oh-so-disastrous event of her floating away. Another good idea is taking her to her favourite shops, such as those specialising in Mickey Mouse handbags.


Be aware, that the love you hold for her is directly proportional to the amount of money you spend on her, or if she's an understanding type, a percentage of your income. Failure to show the necessary 'love' will result in temper tantrums, beatings and charges of irresponsibility and uselessness.

For the man, prepare a pair of padded gardening gloves and a 20litre backpack as all those flowers, toys, animals and tat purchased will be carried round the shops, to the restaurant and home by you. After all, we wouldn't want anyone to get weighed down by foliage. Your other free hand should at all times be in some way connected to the petal on your other side.


How to choose a restaurant? Option A is to choose a place where your cupid once expressed a desire to go, and being the thoughtful knight, you remembered. This place has a nice environment, excellent food and is something a little different from the usual. Option B is to go to a really expensive one. Select Option B. Worried that it's like dining in a car showroom? Don't be. Just pay the bill, you'll be fine.

After dinner and more definitely-not-boring-as-hell window shopping and actual shopping, a trip to a favourite authentic Western restaurant is a good plan. Be sure to buy the 'meal' where you can get free plastic dolls of characters from the hit movie 'Madagascar'. Preferably choose a seat where your loved one will face away from other people - the table nearest the 'staff only' door or next to the washroom are best. If you choose one open to the comings and goings of high-heel girlfriends and present-clinging boyfriends, you will be subject to the number one pastime of 50% of girls in this part of the world - comparing. It's a super fun game, mainly for her. She gets to compare her level of happiness with others by using the GMR - Gift-Money Ratio, a simple calculation made in under 1 second through careful study of other species in the field of vision. Any perceived slight on her part - for example, girl in the white coat had a bigger Mickey Mouse than her - will be remembered for many days and weeks, and will result in a sullen taxi ride home.

And way the day is over, never mind. There are festivals seemingly every week here (last week was a day when you're supposed to get your hair cut), so you'll have more opportunity to express your feelings to your significant other and your sorrow to your bank manager.